Following orders
Most of us have to earn being a boss. It took me several years at the Golden Arches before I went from taking orders (from co-workers as well as customers) to giving them, and it took even longer before I went from going on tv stories to deciding which ones to cover.
But I live with someone who seems to think that being a big cheese is a birthright. Actually, I guess it literally has been for two-plus years. Yes, our daughter has got her game plan down every single day. What’s even more remarkable is that I listen and obey each command as if I were the subserviant one here. Wait a minute! She’s the child! Doesn’t she know that?
Our daughter begins each day wanting one-on-one time with her mom, usually anywhere from 20-40 minutes. She lets her know what she wants to eat, describing her choices with one syllable force (“see” is cereal, “nuk” is milk, “joo” is juice, etc.) that feel like volcanic eruptions before 7 a.m. if she isn’t pleased by the service.
Then I come in to replace my wife and the fun really starts, because our daughter knows she’s dealing with a caveman. “Cow” means ‘get me on the counter immediately.’ “Wah” means ‘Please place a waffle in the toaster and get some syrup on the side.’ “Show” means ‘After my breakfast, I’d like to watch a television show and I’ll tell you which one.’
There are also strict orders about climate control during the winter months. “Aw” means ‘Turn off the fireplace. I’m warm enough, thanks.’ “Cow” now has changed to ‘I’d enjoy this program more if you held me in your lap on the couch.’ It’s like learning a new language with a tough teacher, except this time a two-year-old has the Teacher’s Edition with all the answers. How did I become Mr. French and she gets to be Uncle Bill?
Sometimes I’ll catch myself running around trying to please her and I think of what Jerry Seinfeld says about being a father. (I know, he’s my often-quoted sage). Seinfeld has said that babies know that their main role is to eventually replace us, so we’d better get used to no longer being our house’s main attraction.
I’m trying to walk the line between pleasing our child and overdoing it. I don’t want her to think she can snap her fingers to get her way. I’d write more but she’s waking up and I may need to have milk ready.
DOH! Now she’s got me in the palm of her hand without even one syllable.
